i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
