Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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