I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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