In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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