Who wears a wallet chain?!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
