that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
