I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
