I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation