Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
19 Groupies Confess What It’s Really Like To Hook Up With Famous Rockstars
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...