Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME