i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
