I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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