I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish i was in the wii world.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
