I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
