at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
