Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
