I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
