I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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