why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
