I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
