Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I touched a dick in church today
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
