I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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