So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i used baking grease as lip gloss
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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