so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
All I want is dick and wine.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
