so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
