My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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