you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
