You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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