apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
