when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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