false alarm. still invincible.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
