nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
