You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Randomize
