you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
