Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
