Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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