You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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