How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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