Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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