My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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