that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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