You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
