That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
