im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Randomize
