I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
