please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
