The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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