he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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