She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
