You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
