mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
honey bunches of taint.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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