It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
