i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
