Will you blow on my dice?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
