guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
