you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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