theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
