I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
