Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
