Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
