he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
