Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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