Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
