btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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