he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
