So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
