Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
