Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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