If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
